Gather round, chaps, I have some bad news. Very bad news in fact. The forward torpedo room is now completely flooded and embedded in the seabed, trapping us down here. We've lost all the hydraulics and the batteries are down to 30 minutes. But there is still one chance to get us home. Well, more precisely, a chance to get some of us home.
We have six oxygen masks and one good warhead left, and I think six men could just about drag the warhead through the flooded compartment and use it to blast us free. Unfortunately they wouldn't be joining us back in Blighty, so I'm going to have to choose some volunteers.
Firstly, we'll exclude all the married men, which gets us down to -
Excuse me, sir, but what about the unmarried men who are in stable long term relationships?
Ah, yes, good point, it's only fair to exclude those too. Though to avoid abuse, we can only count the ones with witnesses here.
Permission to speak, sir? That's rather awkward for me, sir, as I've been having an affaire with the Bosun's wife for several years. Surely that should count too, although the Bosun can't confirm as we've been very discreet?
Sigh. Look, fellows, this is going to get out of hand. We have to have some fair comparison to work out who will be least missed. Let's say that those officers and ratings sharing the same woman can only count her as one half a wife.
Or a third in the case of the Bosun's wife then, sir?
Ah, it sounds that way, yes. So, who is left with no long-term female companion of any sort?
Sir, that does seem unfair on the Gunnery Officer and I, as we've been very committed since the night war broke out.
Good heavens, Guns, I never realised that.
Indeed not, sir, and I hadn't planned on mentioning it, grr.
Very well then, so we have no-one left who doesn't score at least one third of a partner, but that means there are a lot of men tied with one. We need a way to choose between those.
Sir, can I just mention that I actually have two partners, in an open and long-term stable triad? So I'd be more missed than the fellows who have only one.
Brilliant! I have ten partners, all of whom love me very much and would be heart-broken if I didn't come back.
Right, that's it, I can't deal with this! Give me a breathing mask and sort out amongst yourselves who else is coming with me.